apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
