Kiss
Puke
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
