if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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