12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
