I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
