guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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