yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
