Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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