when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
