His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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