3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I could make wine with my vomit
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
