i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
