rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
