did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
