Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
