last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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