i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
