I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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