So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
