Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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