if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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