i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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