DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
