does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
