I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
