After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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