Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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