Plan B is the new Plan A
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
