Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
