Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
