I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
