My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
