just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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