you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
