i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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