i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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