A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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