If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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