it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
