There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
