fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
