Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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