i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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