I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
