Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
