So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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