Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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