My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize