yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
