ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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