It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
