I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
