Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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