Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
