i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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