I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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