i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
