a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
