guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
