She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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