i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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