I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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