This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
organizing the empties. That sober.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
