Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
