My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
